Aaniin, a journal entry from my first day of treatment while serving a 5 year prison sentence. I did not know that this particular day was the beginning of a new direction for the rest of my life. The person I was this day did not know what he was going to accomplish in the upcoming year/decade. I was poised to continue a cycle of violence and addiction.
"Today was a good day for me. I started my first official week of treatment. I held my first mini-group today. It was as bad as I thought it was. Once I started on the topic it flowed pretty easily. A good group of guys signed up for it and gave me some good encouragement. Im afraid that when it gets tough I may feel the urge to quit tho. I've been a bit worrisome about the rules. I'm trying hard to remember and I find myself thinking on whether or not I locked my padlock or if I'm doing something I'm not suppose to be doing. This evening I feeling agitated about having to pack all my stuff into two bins tomorrow. I've been trying and bee running into problems. I really don't two what I am going to do or how it's going to go tomorrow."
I see that I was trying my tactic of magnifying, diversion and setting myself up for the quit. I knew my therapist was going to read it. I felt if I can keep them focused on my small issues I can sail through treatment without really dealing with anything. Something I have done in other treatments.
Little did I know that in the year to come, I would make an ultimate choice. Not to abstain. That choice was out of the question. The choice I made was to try. Honestly try. That hurt quite a bit. I knew if I "tried" tried, there were things I was going to have to confront. My view of the world, my view of others and, most importantly, my own view of my own self.